Like A Penny With a Hole In It

Have you ever started crying after accidentally stepping on a penny, while you were barefoot? No? Me either... My stress level has never been so high that I just broke out into tears at the thought of stepping on a cold, dead insect or worse, fresh toddler pee-- both of which, besides the "eww" factor, would need to be cleaned up by me. Maybe that's what a cold copper penny on a carpet feels like to warm barefeet that were fatigued, overwhelmed with life and only looking for slippers. I mean, I wouldn't know, but it sounds slightly plausible.

Of course, if that somewhat insane scenario did happen to someone, I don't think I'd judge them. It sounds like they need compassion and reprieve. And besides, they're probably judging themselves anyway (like majorly).

A penny with a hole in it. Who needs that? These days, a penny isn't even a useful form of payment for anything, let alone one with a deficiency. There's a kind of pathetic worthlessness that seems to encompass the idea of a penny with a hole. And though I'm pretty sure those exist, I completely understand their plight today.

Trying to explain to my kids:
-why they shouldn't say "damn" even though they just heard me say it when I stubbed my toe on the sofa or was splattered by hot oil while cooking dinner
-where the deceased family dog has gone (not heaven, but his actual, physical body, because apparently this is very important)
-why they can't have ice cream, candy, cookies etc. for breakfast
-how the changing of seasons happens
-why I yelled at them for what feels like the millionth time
... A Penny With a Hole in It 

Giving of my time, patience and love to:
-my husband
-my school work
-my internship
-my household duties
-my extended family
... yet feeling like it's never enough... A Penny With a Hole in It 

Overwhelmed.

Underwater.

Family vacations, milestone birthday parties, massive end of the year graduate school papers, trying to start a family business, balancing the checkbook (mostly incorrectly/inaccurately), laundry/dinner/dishes daily routine, pre-K homework, taking care of a recently diagnosed sick spouse, full-time childrearing, government programs, social welfare research, Bible reading, sibling counseling, friends forgotten for lack of time, dusty books unread for the same reason... 

Wishing for more time in the day. Or maybe just another me. Or maybe just some HELP.

Underwater. On the inside. Random bursts of tears spill out, unable to contain the magnitude. Something somewhere is wrong. Don't take it as my professional opinion (especially since I won't be a professional for another year) but as a personal opinion of myself. It's not a normal thing for me. 

Lord, I need your help. My honest plea. My heartfelt prayer. My only hope.

I can't carry all that's been going on, but I do know someone who can. I guess I forgot. I got so caught up, trying to do it on my own. I've been foolish to think I was alone. I'm not a failure, but relying on myself to do it all has led to that looming feeling. Took my eyes off of Him, focused on my situation. Worst decision ever.

He is my lifeguard in this unrelenting sea of life. I'm drowning, but I won't die. Because I've got so much love to give; my lifelong to-do list is nowhere near complete. I'll get through this moment in time. Faith.

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." ~Psalm 55:22

..."Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done" ~Matthew 21:21

Back at It

I have been an awesome blogger lately! I've told you all about the joys of potty training my almost 2 year old, which involves lots of bodily excrement on the carpets and floors. Then there's my impending move to South Georgia (bleh, who'd wanna go further south, right?) in a few months. I've also mentioned starting school for my MSW (masters of social work) degree and how much I feel inferior to my classmates because I'm "only" a stay-at-home mom, who doesn't exactly use that first degree I have. That last one requires a post all on it's own and I promise it's coming, though I can neither confirm nor deny if that will come sooner rather than later. I've surely also mentioned my hubby's health scares...

Wait, I haven't? I haven't blogged about ANY of that? The words are so vivid in my head. I remember coming up with cute, catchy phrases and everything... But then again, I also remember staring at a blank computer screen and saying "tomorrow" before going to bed or becoming engrossed in a reality show or 3 (don't judge me).

So, what you're saying is, I've been an awful blogger? My apologies. To my few loyal readers, but mainly to myself. I enjoy writing, but I've discovered I'm a pen and paper type of girl. The computer holds so many distractions and lately I've noticed I'm an easy target for distractions of any kind.

Anyway, all of the above notwithstanding (especially that potty training stuff, yuck), life's been good this past month. With the help of God, my family has made some major decisions. And as a result, in my personal devotion/meditation time I'm currently studying FAITH. We all know what it is, but walking in it is so totally different.

One of my favorite quotes is from Martin Luther King Jr. "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." S-C-A-R-Y! I cannot even imagine walking down an actual flight of stairs when I can't see the whole staircase; I trip down the stairs plenty as it is now! However, I know that in life, I've done that very thing. I don't recall ever making as big a life decision as moving 200 miles away from my extremely supportive family and friends. Some might say marriage, but for me it was a very simple decision. Even having children, once faced with the option, was an easy choice. Moving, however exciting it may be, is proving to require a huge leap of faith. Sorry to be cliche, but they are tried and true phrases for a reason.

In dealing with my faith, I think about Peter walking on water with Jesus (Matthew 14:22-33). As soon as he started to question himself and his faith and his God, he began to sink. It's when we take our eyes off of Jesus, that we begin to use worldly knowledge to try to explain things. And most times, that worldly knowledge means nothing and leaves us doubting our sure thing, which is God's love and perfect timing.

I could go on and on about faith, but I'll leave you with these verses in the hopes that it will comfort those going through faith struggles with me. Press on, people!

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

 

2 Corinthians 5:7

We live by faith, not by sight.

 

1 Peter 1:7

These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

 

1 Corinthians 2:5

so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

 

Luke 17:6

He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you.

A Mustard Seed

Many Christians are familiar with the verse that says "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you." -Luke 17:6. We understand the general sentiment of having just enough belief to be able to make a connection with God, who can make things happen for us. We get and appreciate the concept of giving a little to get a lot. Who wouldn't?

I don't exactly know what a mustard seed looks like, but as an experienced gardener (for all of 3 months now), I do know what a typical seed looks like and let me tell you, it's tiny. As I was planting my veggie garden, I actually mixed seeds by accident (yes, that's how experienced I am) because they were so small I couldn't hold onto them and they just fell into the soil. Imagine a fleck of dandruff on your shirt (not that you have any, but I'm sure you've seen people who do), it's just that small. Sometimes, I just can't fathom why God doesn't demand more of us. He only asks us to have the faith of a mustard seed! Then says that that infinitesimal amount of faith can give us the power to move metaphorical trees. That's some crazy, loving grace right there.

But, most aren't so familiar with a related verse I came across yesterday (and when I say "most" I'm totally just talking about myself). Matthew 13:32 reads, "Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches." He's referring to the mustard seed again in this verse. However, now we learn something new about it. Since the connection has already been made between our faith and a mustard seed, I can't help but apply the new knowledge to the old scenario. If mustard seed faith can move trees, what can mustard tree faith do?!

Maybe Jesus wasn't so crazy in accepting mustard seed faith from his believers. He, being the omniscient God that He is, knew that even something as seemingly insignificant as a seed could flower into something useful, incredible, meaningful. The mustard seed becomes shelter for birds, whereas the other seeds don't. While we don't know what those other seeds became, we know they weren't as great as what became of the mustard seed. That could be paralleled in a couple of ways.

     1. The most obvious way is our faith. Our faith can grow just like that seed. Even if at first we falter in our belief, question God and his will and maybe even turn away from Him, if we hold on to a small amount of faith and persevere, we can come out on top. Our faith in God can grow from our experiences with Him. Just like an actual seed, the RAIN of financial difficulties, relational problems and emotional well being mixed with the SUNSHINE of love, contentment and laughter can grow us into awesome trees too. Maybe our tree provides encouragement for our children, hope for our friends and family or love for people who we don't even know. Every tree provides something unique, yet needed. Whatever the case, our minute amount of faith in a God that is greater than all circumstances can develop into a faith that can harness some of that greatness for ourselves.
     2. A less obvious way is as a person. Sometimes we see other people's seeds and assume what their plant will look like or vice versa. For instance, we assume a beautiful woman (seed) will have no problem finding a suitable spouse and bearing equally beautiful children (tree). Sometimes, we see people in church, maybe singing on the choir or teaching Sunday school (tree) and we assume they've got it all together. We may get down on ourselves, believing they had a better seed than we did or wondering why our plant isn't flowering like theirs. But truthfully, we have no clue. Sure they sing in the choir, but maybe God wants you to lead the choir. Maybe they teach Sunday school, but the tree God has planned for you will be running the whole Sunday school department.
     I say all of that to say that we should all be concerned with taking care of our own seed. Making sure that we're utilizing our God-given abilities (seed) the best way we can. We don't know if we're made to be a flowering bush, a fruitful plant, or a sheltering tree, but we'll never find out if we don't tend to our seed. Even if we don't seem as fast or as smart or as talented as others around us, that doesn't mean that we won't be something spectacularly necessary to someone.

God has a plan for all of us. His will for us isn't always easy to understand (okay, let's be honest, it hardly ever is) but it's always for our best. He asks that we trust Him, in the measurement of a mustard seed, and see what happens next. Are you up for the task?

I'm off to go water my garden :-)