What is a horrible mom? Does she really exist? Is she inside of all of us moms, waiting for that moment of fatigue and irritability to reach an all time high so she can jump out and "shine"?
Aren't we all guilty of doing horrible things sometimes? Like, not letting the driver in the left lane with the furious blinking light come over into our lane because we're in such a rush to reach our destination or simply (and more horrible), we just don't feel like it. When we do that, we don't consider ourselves bad drivers, do we? We justify why we did it and move on (hopefully).
Somehow, mothering is the same yet so different. Shouldn't we be able to be more than what we do in moments? Yet sometimes those ever-important, miniscule moments can define our relationships with our offspring as well as shape the people we are or will be.
Is the mother who shakes her crying baby a horrible mother because she lost her temper in an instant? The world thinks so. However, as a mother of a previously colicky baby (and now whining preschooler), I know what it feels like to get lost in the insanity of it all. Sure, I didn't shake my baby, but admittedly, I thought about it. I don't condone child abuse. I do condone mother sensitivity. Sometimes these two overlap uncomfortably, but that's a story for another day.
In class, we learn that all humans are complex systems. Essentially this means that something that seems simple (the mom shaking the baby) really has more components than generally accepted or explored (the mom who shook the baby was dealing with post partum depression, the recent death of her spouse, threats of eviction and overall hopelessness). While complexity doesn't excuse behaviors, it certainly sheds new light on an otherwise dull situation.
I started this post because I have been battling emotions of feeling like a horrible mom. My 3-year old has started to request shows by name and often cries when I turn the televison off. This is new to me as he has just started really watching TV and now seems to be addicted to it. It's definitely my fault, right? I've started using the television as a babysitter more and more. I've got papers to do, job quotas to fill, dinners to make. But, my child couldn't care less about that stuff. He only knows that mom isn't jumping around with him and Dora any more because she's doing "ho-work" (as he calls it). He surely thinks I'm a horrible mother, right?
Does the fact that my children have 3 (mostly) homecooked meals and 2 snacks a day erase my intermittent neglect? Or does the fact that I snuggle and kiss and cuddle them for 30 minutes before bedtime while lavishing them with words of affirmation negate the fact that I sometimes ignore their "fights" and temper tantrums? Where is the line of horrible-ness drawn? And more importantly, have I crossed it?
**Deep Breath**
It's easy to compare ourselves to other moms and feel (wrongly) superior. It's also easy to look at our imagined motherly selves and compare it to the actual mother we have become and feel incredibly melancholy.
The truth is, I'm not better than the (real-life situation) mom who has 5 children with 4 different men, works part-time and receives a substantial amount of government assistance. I'm the same as her in that we're both doing the best that we can for our children in this given moment of time. And above all, we both love our children to the core of our being.
Today, I vow not to let motherhood guilt cause me to abandon my school work or hobbies. I vow to show my children that real mothers are human and flawed. I want them to know I have dreams and goals for myself, as well as for them. It's important that they know that while they are one of my greatest reasons for living, they are not the center of my world because God is. I vow today to present myself as a perfect imperfection--horrible only in small doses and best if taken with milk :-)
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Forward Thinking
Fresh off of the heels of my oldest son's first ever organized sports "Draft Day", I am pumped! As I watched my little boy running, with all his might, across the gymnasium, I swelled with motherly pride. Not because he was terrific (even though he totally was), but because... he was mine.
He lined up obediently amongst the other rowdy 3 and 4 year olds, listened attentively to the coach, and performed the requested "drills". But, aside from that... he was mine. You see, sometimes, we don't appreciate our children for who they are as an independent entity, only for who they are at the moment. And let's be honest, there are moments when we just don't appreciate them at all, like the middle of the cereal aisle when they scream for the "one with the man on it!" and then increasingly louder when you reply "no".
Sadly, I sometimes forget that my kids were gifts from God. Packaged in adorable, occasionally snotty-nosed, loud, squirmy, whiny wrapping, but gifts nonetheless. He gave them to me to protect and provide for, but also to love and mainly to see Him through them.
The day-to-day struggles of non-naptimes and veggie bargaining and juice wars often consume my existence of what it's like to be a mom. But, today was different (well those few hours of soccer were anyway) and beautiful.
I watched my child be himself. I noticed how he talked to other preschoolers, high-fived random adults, and pumped his little arms to run as fast as he could. He was awesome in just being who God crafted him to be. I'd be dishonest if I said I wasn't a little proud of the fact that he could follow directions while being sociable and still manage to be one of the best behaved kids out there today because I definitely was. But, bigger than that, I was just proud to be his mom in the stands, watching him exist in his own skin.
I caught a glimpse of not only who he is now, but what kind of person he would be in a few years and I loved the sight of it. So even though I should be working right now (my deadline is in a few hours) or finishing up 2 assignments for school (due Monday), I chose to document how wonderful life is as a parent. Most days.
He lined up obediently amongst the other rowdy 3 and 4 year olds, listened attentively to the coach, and performed the requested "drills". But, aside from that... he was mine. You see, sometimes, we don't appreciate our children for who they are as an independent entity, only for who they are at the moment. And let's be honest, there are moments when we just don't appreciate them at all, like the middle of the cereal aisle when they scream for the "one with the man on it!" and then increasingly louder when you reply "no".
Sadly, I sometimes forget that my kids were gifts from God. Packaged in adorable, occasionally snotty-nosed, loud, squirmy, whiny wrapping, but gifts nonetheless. He gave them to me to protect and provide for, but also to love and mainly to see Him through them.
The day-to-day struggles of non-naptimes and veggie bargaining and juice wars often consume my existence of what it's like to be a mom. But, today was different (well those few hours of soccer were anyway) and beautiful.
I watched my child be himself. I noticed how he talked to other preschoolers, high-fived random adults, and pumped his little arms to run as fast as he could. He was awesome in just being who God crafted him to be. I'd be dishonest if I said I wasn't a little proud of the fact that he could follow directions while being sociable and still manage to be one of the best behaved kids out there today because I definitely was. But, bigger than that, I was just proud to be his mom in the stands, watching him exist in his own skin.
I caught a glimpse of not only who he is now, but what kind of person he would be in a few years and I loved the sight of it. So even though I should be working right now (my deadline is in a few hours) or finishing up 2 assignments for school (due Monday), I chose to document how wonderful life is as a parent. Most days.
Friday, July 13, 2012
I'm Loving!
Here's the latest edition of the "I'm Loving" positive thinking exercise. Writing this usually helps me to be more grateful for all of the awesomeness that fills my life.
I'm Loving that I have plans for the next 3 weekends! Some people might see that as an annoyance, my husband included, but as a stay-at-home mom, there are rare opportunities for adult interaction and getting away from the little angels to let my non-mommy flag fly. I'm super excited about my school orientation, family birthday party and wine tasting event. Let the fun begin!
I'm Loving that my oldest son thinks it's his responsibility to potty-train his brother. He's so cute when he encourages him to "pee-pee on the potty" and claps at his minor accomplishments. He takes such pride in helping his brother become a big boy. And even when it leads to spilled urine on the bathroom floor, I still remember the cute face and potty dance that came before it and can't help but to smile (most times).
I'm Loving hearing the voice of my youngest son. He is a 2 and 3 word sentence talker now. Everyday he says new things that surprise me. The first thing was "more cookie" then later that day it was "high five". He's now moved on to "where daddy" and "No! Mine!" which is definitely not my favorite. His voice is so different from his brother's and I love the fact that I can tell what's happening in another room just by their evolving tones, cadences and words.
I'm Loving that my oldest son's favorite songs to request these days are Christian songs! This is a huge milestone for him. I wrote previously about his love for secular music and stubbornness towards new music. Now, he's a totally different kid in that regard. I hear him in the bathroom singing "how great is our God" and I can't contain my joy. He often asks "what's so funny, mom?" when I start smiling at his sweet singing. While we still dabble in a few mommy-approved secular songs, we primarily listen to Christian music and he loves it. I love that he loves it!
I'm Loving summer. I never thought I'd say that. I hate bugs, dirt, getting sweaty, and generally everything associated with summer. But as mentioned on previous posts, kids can change ya! So far this summer we have enjoyed gardening, going to water parks, playing in water in the back yard, having a picnic, watching fireworks, sidewalk chalking and painting outside. The heat wave was unbearable because we were forced to stay inside for a few miserable days. While I'm still not fond of all things outdoors, I definitely love it more than ever before in my life (girl scout camping days included) and I don't dread it at all.
I'm Loving having inspiration to write. I love to write. I compose poems and songs all the time in my head and even aloud with my kids sometimes, but I hardly ever have time or real motivation to get them on paper-- until recently. Last week I had a dream that I was captured by. When I woke up, I was still entranced by the characters and their story. I was inspired to write it down. I formulated a plan and I feel so exhilerated by the thought of what it could be! Writing a novel isn't easy work (I've started one before) but I'm excited about the new path that I think my writing is taking. It's always been my desire to publish a book and I think getting this vivid dream out of me and onto paper will get me to that goal. Keep me in your prayers, as trying to write a grocery list is hard enough to find time to do around my house!
I'm Loving lots of things, but most pressing right now is my love of sleep! So at nearly 2am, I bid you all goodnight/morning as I go lay down. I hope to dream and gain more insight into novel!
I'm Loving that I have plans for the next 3 weekends! Some people might see that as an annoyance, my husband included, but as a stay-at-home mom, there are rare opportunities for adult interaction and getting away from the little angels to let my non-mommy flag fly. I'm super excited about my school orientation, family birthday party and wine tasting event. Let the fun begin!
I'm Loving that my oldest son thinks it's his responsibility to potty-train his brother. He's so cute when he encourages him to "pee-pee on the potty" and claps at his minor accomplishments. He takes such pride in helping his brother become a big boy. And even when it leads to spilled urine on the bathroom floor, I still remember the cute face and potty dance that came before it and can't help but to smile (most times).
I'm Loving hearing the voice of my youngest son. He is a 2 and 3 word sentence talker now. Everyday he says new things that surprise me. The first thing was "more cookie" then later that day it was "high five". He's now moved on to "where daddy" and "No! Mine!" which is definitely not my favorite. His voice is so different from his brother's and I love the fact that I can tell what's happening in another room just by their evolving tones, cadences and words.
I'm Loving that my oldest son's favorite songs to request these days are Christian songs! This is a huge milestone for him. I wrote previously about his love for secular music and stubbornness towards new music. Now, he's a totally different kid in that regard. I hear him in the bathroom singing "how great is our God" and I can't contain my joy. He often asks "what's so funny, mom?" when I start smiling at his sweet singing. While we still dabble in a few mommy-approved secular songs, we primarily listen to Christian music and he loves it. I love that he loves it!
I'm Loving summer. I never thought I'd say that. I hate bugs, dirt, getting sweaty, and generally everything associated with summer. But as mentioned on previous posts, kids can change ya! So far this summer we have enjoyed gardening, going to water parks, playing in water in the back yard, having a picnic, watching fireworks, sidewalk chalking and painting outside. The heat wave was unbearable because we were forced to stay inside for a few miserable days. While I'm still not fond of all things outdoors, I definitely love it more than ever before in my life (girl scout camping days included) and I don't dread it at all.
I'm Loving having inspiration to write. I love to write. I compose poems and songs all the time in my head and even aloud with my kids sometimes, but I hardly ever have time or real motivation to get them on paper-- until recently. Last week I had a dream that I was captured by. When I woke up, I was still entranced by the characters and their story. I was inspired to write it down. I formulated a plan and I feel so exhilerated by the thought of what it could be! Writing a novel isn't easy work (I've started one before) but I'm excited about the new path that I think my writing is taking. It's always been my desire to publish a book and I think getting this vivid dream out of me and onto paper will get me to that goal. Keep me in your prayers, as trying to write a grocery list is hard enough to find time to do around my house!
I'm Loving lots of things, but most pressing right now is my love of sleep! So at nearly 2am, I bid you all goodnight/morning as I go lay down. I hope to dream and gain more insight into novel!
Friday, June 1, 2012
I'm Loving
OK, so I borrowed the concept of this post from another blog and I'm so embarrassed to say I don't even remember the name of it, so I can't link it to here :-( If you're reading, please forgive me and comment so that I can link your page!
Anyway, it's all about what I LOVE right now. It's an exercise in thinking positive. If we focus on all the positives that are in our lives, we can overlook (or at least be more optimistic about) the negative things. So, here goes!
I'm loving that my 3 year old is actually napping right now... well at least I don't hear any breaking glass or thudding footsteps coming from upstairs, so I just like to assume he's asleep.
I'm loving my new Fruit Ninja blender/food processor! I got it on Monday and have already blended up 5 healthy drinks (none of which that stubborn 3 year old drank) and I'm working on a puree to add to spaghetti sauce for dinner. It is awesome!
I'm loving that my 18 month old is now saying "Bless you" when someone sneezes or coughs (even if it's a fake cough/sneeze by the aforementioned 3 year old). He is also saying "excuse you" when someone burps, which is hilarious. I am also loving the fact that he hasn't started saying "NO" yet, only "uh un" which is so much easier to handle.
I'm loving my new Gevalia coffee maker that I got for only $9.99, including 2 boxes of coffee and tea! I'm convinced that there's nothing better to wake up to than the scent of coffee brewing. The special may still be running so click here to get yours! And, please don't mention the fact that I'm in total housewife mode right now due to my love of two appliances! Life happens...
I'm loving the website Goodreads.com. It's for book lovers everywhere to unite! You can rate books & connect with authors, as well as find new and interesting books to read. Don't ask me how, but I've already finished 1.5 books this week and currently reading two more.
Which reminds me, I'm loving my Kindle Touch! I've had it since January (it has turned out to be the BEST birthday present in the whole history of my life LOL) and have already read over 50 books. Honestly, that's more books than I read in all of last year (baby manuals and cook books included).
I'm loving the white chocolate almonds my parents brought me back from their anniversary vacation to Savannah, GA. Soooo rich and smooth... I'm heading to get some just as soon as I finished typing. They are so good that I've hidden them from the hubby and the boys (no joking).
I'm loving how positive I'm feeling about life and love after being baptized on Sunday with my husband. God is good!
I'm loving that I will be going to visit my alma mater UGA on Monday to give my cousin a tour of Athens, Ga and also to take a walk down memory lane. I'm super excited!
I'm sure I'm loving so much more things right now, but I'm feeling great after just going through those, so I'll stop here.
I hope you'll take time out to recognize your love for both the big and small things today :-)
Anyway, it's all about what I LOVE right now. It's an exercise in thinking positive. If we focus on all the positives that are in our lives, we can overlook (or at least be more optimistic about) the negative things. So, here goes!
I'm loving that my 3 year old is actually napping right now... well at least I don't hear any breaking glass or thudding footsteps coming from upstairs, so I just like to assume he's asleep.
I'm loving my new Fruit Ninja blender/food processor! I got it on Monday and have already blended up 5 healthy drinks (none of which that stubborn 3 year old drank) and I'm working on a puree to add to spaghetti sauce for dinner. It is awesome!
I'm loving that my 18 month old is now saying "Bless you" when someone sneezes or coughs (even if it's a fake cough/sneeze by the aforementioned 3 year old). He is also saying "excuse you" when someone burps, which is hilarious. I am also loving the fact that he hasn't started saying "NO" yet, only "uh un" which is so much easier to handle.
I'm loving my new Gevalia coffee maker that I got for only $9.99, including 2 boxes of coffee and tea! I'm convinced that there's nothing better to wake up to than the scent of coffee brewing. The special may still be running so click here to get yours! And, please don't mention the fact that I'm in total housewife mode right now due to my love of two appliances! Life happens...
I'm loving the website Goodreads.com. It's for book lovers everywhere to unite! You can rate books & connect with authors, as well as find new and interesting books to read. Don't ask me how, but I've already finished 1.5 books this week and currently reading two more.
Which reminds me, I'm loving my Kindle Touch! I've had it since January (it has turned out to be the BEST birthday present in the whole history of my life LOL) and have already read over 50 books. Honestly, that's more books than I read in all of last year (baby manuals and cook books included).
I'm loving the white chocolate almonds my parents brought me back from their anniversary vacation to Savannah, GA. Soooo rich and smooth... I'm heading to get some just as soon as I finished typing. They are so good that I've hidden them from the hubby and the boys (no joking).
I'm loving how positive I'm feeling about life and love after being baptized on Sunday with my husband. God is good!
I'm loving that I will be going to visit my alma mater UGA on Monday to give my cousin a tour of Athens, Ga and also to take a walk down memory lane. I'm super excited!
I'm sure I'm loving so much more things right now, but I'm feeling great after just going through those, so I'll stop here.
I hope you'll take time out to recognize your love for both the big and small things today :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)