It IS a Good Friday

**April 9th post that I'm just getting around to uploading**

Good Friday is a big deal in my faith. It marks the day when Jesus, in human form, willingly let himself be crucified as an eternal sacrifice for all sinners. It was a day He always knew was coming; a day he could have gotten out of, if He wanted to. Instead, he chose to be lead up that hill at Calvary, spit on, beaten, ridiculed, mocked and generally debased on every level.

Why would He do such a thing? Why would anyone? I don’t believe “anyone” else would have, even if they could. Self-sacrifice is difficult enough as a parent or spouse, yet required. Jesus’s sacrifice for people He hadn’t even met yet, for people He knew would continually let him down can only be seen as insane. But, I’m sure we can all attest to a point in time, when momentarily we were “crazy in love” and willing to (or actually did do) something utterly ridiculous for a particular person. That person is me. I mean, literally, I was that person that caused Jesus to give His life. You are that person too. If you choose to accept the love, its power is limitless.

For some, accepting love is harder than giving love away. It’s like “why do I deserve this?” The truthful answer is “you don’t and you never will.” We like to think that we’re worth so much as individuals. But, honestly, could anything we’ve done be worthy of a sacrifice on a cross? If your answer is yes, then on the other hand is there anything t0hat you’ve done that could have warranted that gift being taken away? I’m sure that answer was a little different. The fantastic thing is that we never have to worry about the latter. Our salvation will never be taken away. Once God gives it, He lets us have it forever (whether we do right by Him or not). How is that possible?

 I think that’s where the beauty of grace comes in. Grace is God’s favor on us, “just because”. It’s like buying your kid an ice cream cone even when they haven’t been on their best behavior (or have in fact been quite awful) just because he/she is yours and you love him. Because He loves us, He allows us certain liberties that we could never earn and He doesn’t want us to. All He asks is that we love him back. Do things with Him in mind.

Getting ready to curse somebody out? Wait, what would Jesus think about that? “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, only what is good, necessary for edification that it may impart grace to the hearer”-Ephesians 5:29.

Getting ready to lie to your boss about your timesheet? What would Jesus think? “Therefore, put away lying, let each on speak the truth…” -Ephesians 4:25

It’s not always easy, but it’s so worth it. Ok, but wait, what is this salvation and how do I get it? Once we accept that we are all sinners, no matter how good we try to be and profess with our mouths that God is Lord in our lives, we are saved. It’s known as the sinner’s prayer and it’s as simple as saying (and really meaning) a few simple words. That’s it! Then, we have the gift of salvation forever. God is truly awesome and the display on the cross on that “good Friday” is that awesomeness personified.

An example of a sinner’s prayer: “Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.”

Happy Birthday!

Today marks the 3 year anniversary of my motherhood J I was forever changed that day, in ways I expected and ways I couldn’t even imagine. My son, my little prince Andrew, has opened my eyes to the reality of the world that I’ve always lived in, but never really saw. Through him, I view my own mother differently, as well as the young women I pass on the street, thinking one of them could be my future daughter-in-law. My mother was made human through him. Her struggles as a working woman, wife, daughter, sister, individual and mother, were now transparent to me. As a result of loving him, I love her more fiercely. She is truly superwoman and I am barely touching the hem of her cape, a mere three years into this.

Enough motherly musings and back to my son. His first name means, “strong, brave, manly”. Chosen in part as dedication to the most important man in my childhood—my dad, his name is extremely special to our family. He personifies these qualities every time he tries to pick up his younger brother (who only weighs 6 pounds less than him), when he runs onto the sidewalk after a ball, not looking for cars or rocks he could slip on and of course when he pulls out my chair at mealtimes.

 His middle name, Noah, means “peaceful, comforter”. Pains me to say this, but ever since the day he was born, he has not had any connection to that name! He was colicky and had acid reflux as an infant and to this day, he has tantrums that are loud and overly dramatic. Peaceful would definitely NOT be the first (or second or third) word I would use to describe him.

 However, also since the day he was born, I have had comfort.  From the time I held him, 7 hours after his birth (yes a whole 7 hours due to a medical emergency I had), I knew God had a plan for both of us. He wasn’t a planned addition to my life at that particular point in time, but seeing him made me realize God’s plan for my life— well, a small part of the plan. I had family that wanted to be parents, but never had that work out for them. I had friends that had lost babies either in utero or after painful, emotional deliveries. And as I looked at my tiny (5.9 pounds) baby boy, with his straight black hair and eerie, non-genetic green-blue eyes, I knew I had been blessed because my baby had survived. Forgetting the 17 hours of active labor, 3 hours of pushing and eventual surgery needed to actually get him here, I felt like my life was going into another dimension, one that I was totally unprepared for, yet excited to undertake. I was a mother. I was chosen by God to be a steward of another fragile, important life. That must make me special and worthy in my heavenly Father’s eyes.

Fast forward 3 years. My son is a replica of his father on the outside, but undeniably me on the inside, personality wise (God has a funny sense of humor). He is super inquisitive, observant, clever, perceptive, bossy, and as mentioned earlier, overly dramatic. He loves to make people laugh and tells the best stories this side of preschool. During particularly rough moments, I cling to his slightly gap toothed smile to help me to remember my life’s purpose. I am the bearer of life, but God is the sustainer of life. My purpose is to ensure that my sons and all those in contact with me know that fact. I eagerly accept the challenge and thank God daily (and especially today) for the miracle of birth and the privilege of life.       

On this day in 2009

So the minute I decide to continue the healthy eating that my fast started, I’m consumed by fast food cravings! For today I was able to resist and only eat the fast approved foods that I’d been eating for the past 2 weeks. I keep reminding myself that I’ll probably be pigging out on the weekend and then again next weekend when I hit the Big Apple!

Today marks the day that I was admitted to the hospital to have my labor induced. Even then, he was stubborn and refused to emerge into the world on anyone’s schedule but his own.This weekend, my oldest turns 3 years old! He seems to already be wise beyond that age and he’s quite the handful. We “argue” every day. What I mean by that is, he constantly tests my set boundaries and tries to weasel his way around time-outs and veggies. He challenges me beyond anything I could have predicted and wears me down more times than I’d like to admit. My love for him has evolved from his birth to now. I can’t imagine how our relationship will change as he does. I love his spirit. He is fearless and inquisitive. He is observant and imaginative. I love him to the moon and back times infinity.

I have never prophesied in my life, but with this child of mine, I see specific things happening in his future. In addition, I see our emotional battles and personality clashes, but mostly I see our relationship as one to behold. There’s a bond between a first born child and a mom that is indescribable, confusing and wholly satisfying. I love what I’ve created and love the moments when he shows he loves me back J

Recent Revelations

I’m trying to challenge myself to write something every day (even if it is about mundane daily life). Writing has always been my passion, but lately the flame has been extinguished by motherhood and wife duties. I find I’m losing a lot of what made me special, what made me feel important and unique. How can I teach my children to set goals and believe in themselves if I let the monumental blessing of running a household squash my own? My biggest fear is screwing my kids up. Like literally. It’s amazing how priorities change. I used to worry about my own career and health and future, but now my longest prayers are for my two precious boys.

That being said, I hope I do get accepted into the grad school program I applied for last month. I’ve been telling myself that it didn’t matter if I was accepted or not because I was proud of myself for even completing the grueling process (which I am), but more truthfully, I want to get in. I want to show my babies (who won’t be babies forever), that their mommy was a woman too. A person with desires and dreams and the courage to follow them. I want to have my identity back. And let’s be honest, I want to have something to throw myself into when they inevitably throw me out of their room during those dreaded teenage years.

As a child of God, I know that I have a purpose in this world. It’s obvious to me that one of those purposes is building up these boys that I’ve birthed into the men that will prayerfully run successful families and businesses. But, I’m also on a mission to discover what my other possible purposes could be. I’m excited as I await a letter from Valdosta State University, in the hopes that they saw the awesomeness that is me!

WoW!

It has been a lifetime since I last blogged. And I mean that pretty literally, as I've added another life to my family. Instead of being an insecure new mom to one infant boy (as I was at last post), I am a full-fledged, mom of 2 boys! They are the loves of my life and at times also the worst part of my day, but that's to be expected when I'm with them ALL the time (like literally they're usually there when I shower).

Today, I am on day 11 of my 14 day fast with my church, Berean Christian Church. I have fasted before with my church, but never have I felt as spiritually awake and in tuned with God as during this one. I've been reading the word more and actually making connections to my life. I am so in love with God right now! I am definitely going through some fast-worthy trials, but this fast has helped me to see that this was God's perfect timing. I wish He'd let me see that almighty clock sometimes!

Of course I am totally tired of the vegan diet ( I need cheese!) but the scale thanks me and makes this journey even more worth it. It also helps that my husband and mother are participating too, so I have people to talk to about the daily scriptures, food temptations and our growth throughout the process. Making chicken nuggets for the kids today was soo difficult! My 1 year old tried to feed me a bite of his and I almost gave in. Not sure if it was the sweet smile or the processed meat itself :-) but I resisted.

Tomorrow is a new day in many ways. I pray it is a good day as today wasn't the best.

"And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting." -Mark 9:29

New Cry

This post could be about me or my little one, considering that these hormones are still redistributing and so I regularly find myself tearing up when I look at him, watch him sleep, think about his future, talk to him etc. But mainly, it's about him. When we first brought him home, his cry was hysterical. It was like he was yelling at us all the time. I was scared he had colic, mainly because I heard horror stories about my first 6months of life and was sure I'd be paid back for what I'd put my parents through, but also because I read entirely too much and I was (and still am a bit) on high alert (aka. edge). Anyway, now his cries aren't nearly as high pitched and his face doesn't get as red. I can tell the difference between annoyance ( like having his diaper changed) and sleepyness ( like I don't wanna look at your face any more, swaddle me and put me down) and I'm kinda proud of myself!

I enjoy staring at him when he sleeps and I wish a camera could capture what I see. However, everytime I snap a pic, it's never quite what I was looking for. I take several pictures a day, but usually only one is usable. I also enjoy stroking the soft hair on his head as I feed him and massaging his skinny thighs and legs. I love assembling his outfits, but hate dressing him because I feel like I'll break him. My brain knows that babies are extremely resilient and that I wouldn't literally break him or probably really even hurt him, but my heart just hates to hear him cry. I guess I'd better get over that though, huh?

My husband was a tremendous help during the first 7 days of Andrew's life, especially since I couldn't do much physically. But, now he manages to sleep through 2-7am feedings/crying. How? I have no clue! As soon as I hear a whimper, I'm wide awake and figuring out how to make it stop. I definitely still appreciate his presence and thank God that I'm not a single mother. Although we're arguing over ridiculous things (like Andrew wearing a repeat outfit or whether to bring the carseat into the house). I'm sure these disputes will only get greater as Andrew ages, so I'm trying to learn how to deal with it now.

16 days old... wow! He already looks so different. I'm excited for the weeks to come :)

Announcing Andrew Noah Jones!

I couldn't imagine what it would be like before he got here. To actually see and hold him... Well, I did imagine, but I was just so off. I mean, it's so much better! He's tinier than I thought he'd be, considering all of the cheeseburgers he commanded me to eat! Only 5lbs 15oz when he was born and down to 5lbs 8oz when we got to leave the hospital, but a week later he weighs 6lbs 5oz, almost a whole pound more! I'm glad he's growing because I was worried about my breastmilk supply, but that's all behind me now, I feel secure in that area.

Of course I'm not getting any sleep during normal sleeping hours and I've already had to do a load of laundry, but watching him sleep is so rewarding. He looks so angelic and I even catch glimpses of smiles--like the picture (which are probably gas, but cute nonetheless). God truly blessed me with him and I pray I can raise him the way the Lord sees fit.

The pain I endured bringing him into the world was incredible... like unbelievable. After being in the hospital for over 24 hours and going through 18 hours of labor ( 3 of those spent pushing), I ended up having to go under the knife and have a cesarean section because my little angel was facing up and his head couldn't get through the birth canal. Not only was the actual surgery not as painless as I thought it'd be( they did give me numbing drugs, but I guess I expected magic), the recovery is killer. Laughing is my most favorite thing to do, however, these stitches make it utterly undesirable. It hurts like heck. As does coughing and generally moving the "wrong" way. I know I'll share the story with Andrew when he's old enough to care, but it's so funny because I can hardly remember the intensity of the pain and some of the memories are hazy. I was so sure it would be an experience I'd never forget, yet I just remember the most important part... getting to see my son :)