Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Like A Penny With a Hole In It

Have you ever started crying after accidentally stepping on a penny, while you were barefoot? No? Me either... My stress level has never been so high that I just broke out into tears at the thought of stepping on a cold, dead insect or worse, fresh toddler pee-- both of which, besides the "eww" factor, would need to be cleaned up by me. Maybe that's what a cold copper penny on a carpet feels like to warm barefeet that were fatigued, overwhelmed with life and only looking for slippers. I mean, I wouldn't know, but it sounds slightly plausible.

Of course, if that somewhat insane scenario did happen to someone, I don't think I'd judge them. It sounds like they need compassion and reprieve. And besides, they're probably judging themselves anyway (like majorly).

A penny with a hole in it. Who needs that? These days, a penny isn't even a useful form of payment for anything, let alone one with a deficiency. There's a kind of pathetic worthlessness that seems to encompass the idea of a penny with a hole. And though I'm pretty sure those exist, I completely understand their plight today.

Trying to explain to my kids:
-why they shouldn't say "damn" even though they just heard me say it when I stubbed my toe on the sofa or was splattered by hot oil while cooking dinner
-where the deceased family dog has gone (not heaven, but his actual, physical body, because apparently this is very important)
-why they can't have ice cream, candy, cookies etc. for breakfast
-how the changing of seasons happens
-why I yelled at them for what feels like the millionth time
... A Penny With a Hole in It 

Giving of my time, patience and love to:
-my husband
-my school work
-my internship
-my household duties
-my extended family
... yet feeling like it's never enough... A Penny With a Hole in It 



Family vacations, milestone birthday parties, massive end of the year graduate school papers, trying to start a family business, balancing the checkbook (mostly incorrectly/inaccurately), laundry/dinner/dishes daily routine, pre-K homework, taking care of a recently diagnosed sick spouse, full-time childrearing, government programs, social welfare research, Bible reading, sibling counseling, friends forgotten for lack of time, dusty books unread for the same reason... 

Wishing for more time in the day. Or maybe just another me. Or maybe just some HELP.

Underwater. On the inside. Random bursts of tears spill out, unable to contain the magnitude. Something somewhere is wrong. Don't take it as my professional opinion (especially since I won't be a professional for another year) but as a personal opinion of myself. It's not a normal thing for me. 

Lord, I need your help. My honest plea. My heartfelt prayer. My only hope.

I can't carry all that's been going on, but I do know someone who can. I guess I forgot. I got so caught up, trying to do it on my own. I've been foolish to think I was alone. I'm not a failure, but relying on myself to do it all has led to that looming feeling. Took my eyes off of Him, focused on my situation. Worst decision ever.

He is my lifeguard in this unrelenting sea of life. I'm drowning, but I won't die. Because I've got so much love to give; my lifelong to-do list is nowhere near complete. I'll get through this moment in time. Faith.

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." ~Psalm 55:22

..."Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done" ~Matthew 21:21

Sunday, March 23, 2014


I miss writing for fun.
I miss my blog and being able to get my inane thoughts out in literary form. Now my writings have been trained to be educational and intellectual. The nerve of graduate school! I'm awake at 6 am writing papers about federal and agency policies and law. I know it's important. After all, I'm the one that chose to study this field of work. I'm interested in it most days, but I just feel like it's taking so much from ME. As if I wasn't already spread thin as a mom and wife, adding school to the mix just made life an extra dose of crazy. Plus, I'm a recovering perfectionist (which is probably like a recovering alcoholic in that any moment could be the moment when you revert back to your old ways) which makes everything more difficult- even those things I love.
Looking back at my past writings makes me sad. Where is that woman? The one who synthesized beautiful thoughts and came out with clearer purpose after doing so. Is she still in me? Sometimes I honestly don't know. I think I may have killed her... or more aptly, let her die, which would be just as bad if we were talking about an actual person, right?

I think life is just happening faster than I can document and I'm not ok with that. Like my boys, when did they get old enough to climb on fire trucks and big enough to get in bouncy houses without assistance. And all without even looking back for their mom. Like seriously, when did that happen?! It's the independent stage of life that all moms of infants look forward to, but it's a lot different than anticipated.
I'm sure this is just a moment and I'll feel better once these dreaded 4 assignments are behind me and I'm on the beach with my family (which can't come soon enough). I'm sure I'm just going through a phase of general unrest and fatigue that my God can heal. I know I'll be all right.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14:27