Sunday, March 23, 2014


I miss writing for fun.
I miss my blog and being able to get my inane thoughts out in literary form. Now my writings have been trained to be educational and intellectual. The nerve of graduate school! I'm awake at 6 am writing papers about federal and agency policies and law. I know it's important. After all, I'm the one that chose to study this field of work. I'm interested in it most days, but I just feel like it's taking so much from ME. As if I wasn't already spread thin as a mom and wife, adding school to the mix just made life an extra dose of crazy. Plus, I'm a recovering perfectionist (which is probably like a recovering alcoholic in that any moment could be the moment when you revert back to your old ways) which makes everything more difficult- even those things I love.
Looking back at my past writings makes me sad. Where is that woman? The one who synthesized beautiful thoughts and came out with clearer purpose after doing so. Is she still in me? Sometimes I honestly don't know. I think I may have killed her... or more aptly, let her die, which would be just as bad if we were talking about an actual person, right?

I think life is just happening faster than I can document and I'm not ok with that. Like my boys, when did they get old enough to climb on fire trucks and big enough to get in bouncy houses without assistance. And all without even looking back for their mom. Like seriously, when did that happen?! It's the independent stage of life that all moms of infants look forward to, but it's a lot different than anticipated.
I'm sure this is just a moment and I'll feel better once these dreaded 4 assignments are behind me and I'm on the beach with my family (which can't come soon enough). I'm sure I'm just going through a phase of general unrest and fatigue that my God can heal. I know I'll be all right.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14:27

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